The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: Fan fiction?

ON THE HUNT FOR SOME RANDOM USBS IN THE COMPUTER AND FOUND A RATHER OLD USB OF A SCHOOL FILE AND A HORRENDOUS PIECE OF WRITING I WROTE IN 11TH GRADE.

IT'S A SATIRE, A "MISSING CHAPTER" FROM "THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY" BOOK THAT WE WERE FORCED TO READ. AND FORMATTED THAT WAY TOO. 

THE HUMOUR IN THE BOOK ITSELF IS QUITE RANDOM AND I HAVE TRIED TO RESEMBLE THAT.

THE TASK WAS TO LINK IT TO MODERN THEMES

I HAVE TO SAY, THIS IS ONE OF MY PROUDEST WORKS AS A WRITER(*COUGH*)
it came so naturally as I am the queen of all things weird and random
and I enjoyed writing it

IF ANY HIGHSCHOOLERS COME ACROSS THIS I HAVE COPYRIGHTED THIS AND MY DAD IS A POLICEMAN. THANK YOU AND ENJOY

P.S. IS THIS CONSIDERED "FAN FICTION"?
Should I seriously consider a new career path as a playwright?

This insert continues from Chapter 18 page 113 when Arthur puts the ship on improbability drive and landed on an unknown planet.

While walking for ages into an endless path of nothingness in the middle of nowhere, it started to rain heavily.

Arthur sighed, “Why is it that it always seems to be raining or cloudy when I’m having a bad day?”

“If it always seems to be raining or cloudy when you’re having a bad day, you could actually be an alien from a planet where emotions influence weather patterns”, Ford replied sarcastically.

“.. Or you could have the real-life Seasonal Affective Disorder (ironically enough shortened to SAD). To be safe, I’d talk to your folks about alien adoption first and then maybe to a psychiatrist about SAD.” He added.

“Okay... then, can we just go somewhere before we get drenched?”

“Wait a minute, I know who lives there. Chef Hamberg, my nemesis,” said Ford in an evil tone while glaring blankly at what appears to be some sort of a spherical space aircraft.

It was at the planet Tactelas 71, the one next to Dysprosium and behind Gadolinium 45 where Ford met Chef Hamberg.

“Hello, Earthlingssss!”, Hamberg hissed in a high pitched voice. He then slimed across the floor, every time leaving a bit of green trail everywhere he went.

“Hi,”Arthur responded.

There was an awkward pause. There was something intimidating about talking to Hamberg. Was it his aura? Or was it that creepy look upon his brown scaly face. It was probably the annoying way he spoke. He would spit in the last words and added an unnecessary “Ssss” or even worse, when the word starts with an ‘S’ for example, “Why hello! My name is Hambergsss!”,“That’ss a nice pair of jeansss, it suitssss you sssso muchssss!” or “Sssilly ssimon, sssomeone sssays sssmile, sssilly sssausage!”.

“We meet again, Ford,” he hissed in a devilish tone of voice.

“Yes indeed. It’s been a while hasn’t it,” said Ford in quick staccatos. “What an unpleasant surprise,” he mumbled quietly to himself.

“So, where did you guys meet?” Arthur interrupted.

“We met in a reality cooking show that I won,” said Chef Hamberg with a smirk on his face.

“Reality cooking show? Oh, how I miss those things on Earth,” Arthur reminisced, “Are they any different?”

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy says that Reality TV cooking programs have been inspiring young hopefuls to dish out miniscule morsels and garden flowers on a white dish that is plated to resemble a piece of art.

They will chop insanely enormous amounts of onions and create fanciful, ridiculous food and dishes like the V20 Cake (cake with 20 layers) in a mellow-dramatic and unrealistic way.  

A reality cooking show is an extreme sport where a selected number of Aliens compete against each other for the title of “Maestrochef”. Other examples are “My Oven Rules” and “Ready Setty Bake”. It’s actually more serious than it sounds. One contestant in the finals accidently spilt a hot pot of lḗ  soupé de Blob which was the cause of global warming on Earth, she then screamed really loudly because she spilt it on her tentacle and experienced emotions of both pain and sadness that then resulted in the tsunami/earthquake in Japan. She screamed louder than a mob of screaming and crying One Objection fan girls, because they didn’t get a ticket to see their concert. Or perhaps because they saw them behind a glass window on Channel 71’s “Sunset”. About 218736280 X louder .You start to wonder “why are these contestants so emotional over food?!” In one case there was this contestant, he overcooked his Kangastrich (a cross between Kangaroo and Ostrich) and when one of the judges said his satay sauce was too thick, he started to break down in tears in front of the Vidcamilizer and yelled “I QUIT!”  It actually changed his life forever. People were mocking him and he was an embarrassment to everyone on his planet. Some say that his actions were even more embarrassing than having your gluteus maximus stuck in a Mindbogilizer 1100 and equally bad as hearing a Vogon recite poems.  He now lives in Neptunium, a sad, small, dull and lonely planet, there he is just sitting there in a dark room watching re-runs of reality cooking shows, hearing echoes of laughter haunting in his head and doing nothing but draining on his miserable past. SPOILER ALERT: One dish that all the contestants have to make to test their skills in the final round is always the ‘lḗ Soupé de Blob’, the mother of all dishes, the ultimate dish that is so mindbogingly, nail bitingly, face palmingly, rage worthingly, head buttingly,  brain burstingly, hip thrustingly awesome. Something oh-so-deviously-decadent-it-will-burst-your-brain-cells-and-burn-your-taste-buds. Luckily, this guide will tell you how to make it. You will need:

½ a teaspoon of the essence of a Artolion flower. Sweet but subtle, make sure it’s fresh (if not, your soup might explode). 1metric cup of *Rhiatro milk. A carrot. 2 brown onions (roughly chopped).

10 ml of the DNA of a blobblegobble monster. 3 cups of water from a well of a troll. A sprinkle of fairyian dust. A strand of hair from a Pentrogian witch. A pinch of rocksomia salt (be careful with the amount of salt you put in) and last but not least, the secret ingredient, the snot of a Noktradomian monkey. Yes you heard right ladies, mostly harmless. Blend all the ingredients in the Blenderizer 800 for 2 mugnits (comparable to 0.27638 Earthling seconds), bring to the boil and let it simmer on medium-high heat for 10 mugnits, quickly pour one shot glass of blue beetle bottom juice to give its colour. Let it rest for 5 mugnits before serving. Serves 2. Eat it slowly with caution. One sip and the effect of it is uncontrollable laughter (lasting for up to 17 hours depending on how big your nose is) and indigestion. Some describe the effect of the soup is like being stabbed by an angel with a carrot dipped in some dark chocolate and washed in liquid gold, then stomped on by a grubby ogre. Some side effects are blue teeth decay, hair loss, and a slight chance of turning into a blogglegobble monster. Oh! And several unpleasant trips to the toilet but DON’T PANIC! This dish is 148909% approved by famous celebrities including Rustin Jeeber, Jim Barrashian and not to mention, Matey Jerry. Snarky significant others may call it just a soup, but I think a little flavoursome soupé like this is a dainty dose of delicacy (can’t resist alluring alliteration!)

 (Stop it, book.)

*Rhiatros are very small autotrophs that resemble a tiny rhinoceros, who disguise themselves as a leaf to avoid being seen and eaten by their prey, the Noktradomian monkey. Most recognised by their distinctive sound “WARHHHHH” it roars in the distance of the jungle. It made an appearance on Bear Gyrlls’ “Homo Sapien VS. Wild”, he has even eaten this creature, contains a little bit of Vitamin A and apparently tastes just like chicken